My Jam

This is a goofy little story about my song:

I’ve loved that song since the first time I heard it, I bought my first set of speakers specifically so they could handle the heavier bass of it.

I’ve quoted this before, but I’ve always liked the saying “When you’re happy you enjoy the music but when you’re sad you understand the lyrics.”  I’ve been listening to that song for almost 30 years and never, ever really heard the words.  I just loved the beat.  It’d get me jazzed up for whatever, work, running, rucking.  Whatever I needed to psyched up for.

I was hanging out with my son tonight, Christmas Eve.  He decided to go down the block to a friend’s house to stick his head in for a Christmas party his friend’s family was throwing.  I took the time to load up his stocking and realized it came across as a little light.  So I ran to Target to get him some extra filler items.  On the way this song came on one of the radio stations.  It’s one of those that I recognize the beat instantly and love the intro.

I’m not really sad, but J and I were supposed to go away the week after Christmas and possibly get married.  I’m aware of that.  Us breaking up is a good thing.  But hearing that song was a nice little Christmas present of a reminder.  I’ve done a lot of work the last couple of years.  Came to understand myself, what I want and need, what’s good and bad about me, trying to drive undesirable behaviors out of my system.

With all of that, I realize that I’m still not perfect for everyone, that personality and physical attraction and things like that still come into play.  But I know for a fact that I’m a much better partner now than I used to be.

That song came on tonight.  “It takes two to make a thing go right”.  Obviously, the rest of the lyrics aren’t about relationships, but it was good to hear those words.  I was feeling a little…  remorseful about the implosion of that relationship, wondering if maybe I could’ve said or done something different.  I tend to look inward in such situations.  There weren’t really “bad times” perse.  There were a lot of good, and then the realization that it wouldn’t be good long term, that certain behaviors would cause resentment.  Hearing those words though, reminded me that I can’t take responsibility for everything.  She’s been through an insane amount of trauma in her life, and done a wonderful job of doing the work to overcome it and become a functioning member of society again.  But she isn’t ready to be in a relationship again.  And isn’t willing to own her issues or do her own work to improve them now.

 

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