People have told me before that they want to be a priority in my life, or that they need to feel special to me. I’m not dumb, it’s not complicated, it was easy to understand. I agreed with them, I wanted to be a priority to them as well. Nod the head and say “Sure, me too.”
Then tonight I read this:
I will be jealous of your work, your kid, everything that takes a single thought away from you needing me.
I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t know if that’s a little more raw but it hit me more and resonated deeper. Instead of just relating to it logically I got it emotionally. I get it. I’ve spent so long putting my emotions in a box, adulting, being a man, a soldier. I didn’t think about how much I resented jobs, kids, friends, hobbies, pets… Anything that took the attention off of me, off of “us” (whoever I was in that “us” with at that moment). I suppose the most I did was acknowledge being resentful of the relationship my ex and my son had. When I came home from deployments I felt like an intruder, like it was them against us. But other than that, I was a good, supportive partner.
So yeah, now it IS weird to think about it, to think about how bad I want to be a priority in someone’s life. To have them put me ahead of a lot of the noise in their lives. It’s weird to admit that, to be self-centered. To want to have the attention to be on me.