I read this tonight

People have told me before that they want to be a priority in my life, or that they need to feel special to me.  I’m not dumb, it’s not complicated, it was easy to understand.  I agreed with them, I wanted to be a priority to them as well.  Nod the head and say “Sure, me too.”

Then tonight I read this:

I will be jealous of your work, your kid, everything that takes a single thought away from you needing me.

I don’t know how to explain it.  I don’t know if that’s a little more raw but it hit me more and resonated deeper.  Instead of just relating to it logically I got it emotionally.  I get it.  I’ve spent so long putting my emotions in a box, adulting, being a man, a soldier.  I didn’t think about how much I resented jobs, kids, friends, hobbies, pets…  Anything that took the attention off of me, off of “us” (whoever I was in that “us” with at that moment).  I suppose the most I did was acknowledge being resentful of the relationship my ex and my son had.  When I came home from deployments I felt like an intruder, like it was them against us.  But other than that, I was a good, supportive partner.

So yeah, now it IS weird to think about it, to think about how bad I want to be a priority in someone’s life.  To have them put me ahead of a lot of the noise in their lives.  It’s weird to admit that, to be self-centered.  To want to have the attention to be on me.

 

 

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