A couple of years ago I tried to grow a mustache for Movember.  It was a pretty comical disaster.  So I’m not sure why earlier this year I decided to grow a beard, but I did.  It wasn’t really a conscious decision.  One day I stopped shaving, and then instead of starting again, I just started trimming it.  And when it grew in and wasn’t all patchy like I was expecting as a half-Asian, I was pleasantly surprised and let it keep growing.

Beards are kind of polarizing when dating, women either like them or hate them, there isn’t much in between.  The ones who hate them will either come right out and tell you or hint to you that they really, really would like it if you shaved.

So of course, people have weighed in.  J loved it.  Someone else mentioned that if I ever wanted a chance to kiss them I’d get rid of the dead squirrel on my face.

So yeah, I’ve considered shaving it.  There’s also the possibility of some job interviews in my future and I’m not entirely sure how well the crazy beard will go over either.  But the thought of shaving is kind of weird.  It shouldn’t be, I didn’t think I really cared about it that much.  But it’s causing a little anxiety for lack of a better word

A couple of years ago I went through a pretty big identity crisis when my military career ended and I went through a pretty crazy break-up.  I did a lot to understand who I am and what makes me tick.  But I still aligned myself with a lot of military stuff, still wear the shades, veteran t-shirts, short hair and clean shaven.

I didn’t set out to go for any “look”, I was just curious about whether I could grow a beard or whether it’d look ridiculous.  But now that I have it and am thinking about shaving it, it seems like it’s been a huge step forward in leaving the military in the past.


I’m not saying I want to be the crazy looking biker dude (although there’s two Harleys in the garage) for the rest of my life.  I’m just saying it’s fun to explore and experiment a little.


I read this tonight

People have told me before that they want to be a priority in my life, or that they need to feel special to me.  I’m not dumb, it’s not complicated, it was easy to understand.  I agreed with them, I wanted to be a priority to them as well.  Nod the head and say “Sure, me too.”

Then tonight I read this:

I will be jealous of your work, your kid, everything that takes a single thought away from you needing me.

I don’t know how to explain it.  I don’t know if that’s a little more raw but it hit me more and resonated deeper.  Instead of just relating to it logically I got it emotionally.  I get it.  I’ve spent so long putting my emotions in a box, adulting, being a man, a soldier.  I didn’t think about how much I resented jobs, kids, friends, hobbies, pets…  Anything that took the attention off of me, off of “us” (whoever I was in that “us” with at that moment).  I suppose the most I did was acknowledge being resentful of the relationship my ex and my son had.  When I came home from deployments I felt like an intruder, like it was them against us.  But other than that, I was a good, supportive partner.

So yeah, now it IS weird to think about it, to think about how bad I want to be a priority in someone’s life.  To have them put me ahead of a lot of the noise in their lives.  It’s weird to admit that, to be self-centered.  To want to have the attention to be on me.




… you’d have a hard time finding a bigger Dierks Bentley fan than me, but I hate this song:


I’ve had my heart completely crushed and there was no throwing on a t-shirt and going and getting laid to get over it.  I’ve had women lie to me about having true feelings for me just because they wanted to get laid, and I’ve seen more than a couple girls go out and hook up to get revenge on someone or to get over them.