So. I’m in this weird spot with J. We’ve been engaged for a couple of months now, and for the most part things are going well. But there’s been a couple of things that’ve popped up, a pipe in my basement leaked and insurance won’t cover it, so I’ve had to do a lot of repairs the last couple of weeks. Those projects and the stress from them have probably brought out some of our less-good traits.
There hasn’t been anything super bad. If we were married, I’d find a way to work past them. But because we’re not, there’s a voice that says “are you SURE you want to deal with this the rest of your life?” It feels like there’s an escape hatch available to me now that’ll magically disappear with vows. It’s a really weird, awkward feeling, I like to think of myself as having some level of integrity, some moral code. That doesn’t mean I haven’t screwed up and done bad things, I’ve hurt plenty of people over the years and done things I’m ashamed of. But I felt like I already knew it was for good when we got engaged. To me, when it happened, THAT felt the same as marriage.
The good part, is some maturity and perspective. 20 years ago, I would’ve expected things to change instantly. Probably some ultimatums would’ve been issued, or there would be epic fights and disappointments. But now I know change takes time, and we have to address the problems and each have time to work through our parts of them.