Trials

Several years ago I went through a break-up that for me, was fairly traumatic.  A couple years ago I cut all ties, the tough part is that not all my friends or family did.  I try to ignore it, but that hurts me sometimes.  I’d like a little more…  loyalty than that, but I’ve tried to be understanding.  But because of those connections, I still hear, see more than I’d like.

There’ve been some issues with J lately.  Well, since the beginning, really.  Things are really wonderful in most ways, but these couple of issues that won’t go away keep popping up and keep the relationship feeling bi-polar.  One extreme to the other, with no in between.  The “issues” are frustrating to me, because they’re in her control, but she has a mental block, a resistance and won’t deal with them.  Things are so great in most ways, that I could try to ignore the problems.  Years ago, and not too many years ago at that, I probably would’ve.  I would’ve been a hopeless romantic and optimist and would’ve just assumed that everything would “work out”.

The problems really don’t seem to have a possible resolution if she’s not willing to work on things that happened in  her childhood and change how they’re affecting her now and our relationship.  But I’m more mature now, and I realize that it’s not as simple as flipping a switch.  Growth and healing takes some time.

We had a real roller-coaster weekend.  Almost wonderful all the time, but conversations about the issues with no resolution kept popping up.  Last night, getting ready for another Monday, I was just doing chores around the house and for some reason dipped into a funk.  I really don’t know why it happened, but it did and I carried it around until I fell asleep.  When I woke up this morning, it was still there, a little bit.

I tried to joke myself out of it, and mostly got busy enough with work to forget it was there.  I got a weekly report on my blogs and saw that my ex had visited my sites.  Again.  A lot.  As usual.  She ended it, but she won’t stop stalking me, even though I’ve asked her to, told her it wasn’t fair.

For some reason, I have struggled, struggled with not cyber-stalking her today.  And I’m not sure why.  A part of me will always want what we had, but that’s different than wanting to get back together with her.  So I don’t know if I was trying to punish myself?  Was I feeling bad and just wanted to feel worse?  Did I feel like I needed to punish myself for being so negative about J and I?  Or something else?

I’ve resisted the urge.  I’m hoping I’ll wake up tomorrow and find it has passed.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s