INTP

I’ve had to take the Meyers-Briggs a couple of times, in different formats.  For some reason I always forget what I am.  So I emailed it to myself to remember in conversations.

I saw this the other day and it was an interesting read.  I definitely don’t expect anyone to go and read seven pages about my personality, but maybe you’d like to go read up on yours.

It’s really interesting.  When I go through and read it, it all rings true, but a lot of it feels like an “old” version of me.  Like, me at 18.  It feels like my military experience and life in general, and my making a conscious effort to be more social and more comfortable and network, etc. has really paid off and changed me.  So kind of rewarding to look at in a weird way.

Breakup

For all practical purposes, the Tween and I ended our friendship tonight.  She asked if we could stay friends on FB so she could see my son grow.  We talked about maybe hanging out with one another in appropriate group situations.  It was mutual, I actually stayed strong when she started wavering.  But that doesn’t make it suck any less.  She was my best friend for a long time, we had a ton of adventures together and saw one another through a lot of bad times.  I learned a ton from her and grew a lot as a result of that friendship.

It’s probably a good thing.  It’s hard to have a successful romantic relationship while you’re also trying to maintain a strong opposite sex friendship.  So things were probably going to change in the future for us anyway when either or both of us was in a strong relationship.  And the tween crossed a line and hurt me bad last year.  I just worked through that, and now it’s impacting our long term friendship.  So I’m beyond mad again.  And hurt again.

Life’s fluid.  Things may change.  But this is the reality I’m living with now.

 

Two of My Favorite Quotes On Bravery

The first is from The Guns of Navarone by Alistair MacLean:

“There are no brave men and cowardly men in the world, my son. There are only brave men. To be born, to live, to die—that takes courage enough in itself, and more than enough.

We are all brave men and we are all afraid, and what the world calls a brave man, he too is brave and afraid like the all rest of us. Only he is brave for five minutes longer.”

and from the movie Angus:

Grandpa: Superman isn’t brave.

Angus: Did you take your pills this morning?

Grandpa: [chuckles] You don’t understand. He’s smart, handsome, even decent. But he’s not brave. No, listen to me. Superman is indestructible, and you can’t be brave if you’re indestructible. It’s people like you and your mother. People who are different, and can be crushed and know it. Yet they keep on going out there every time.

Engagement

So.  I’m in this weird spot with J.  We’ve been engaged for a couple of months now, and for the most part things are going well.  But there’s been a couple of things that’ve popped up, a pipe in my basement leaked and insurance won’t cover it, so I’ve had to do a lot of repairs the last couple of weeks.  Those projects and the stress from them have probably brought out some of our less-good traits.

There hasn’t been anything super bad.  If we were married, I’d find a way to work past them.  But because we’re not, there’s a voice that says “are you SURE you want to deal with this the rest of your life?”  It feels like there’s an escape hatch available to me now that’ll magically disappear with vows.  It’s a really weird, awkward feeling, I like to think of myself as having some level of integrity, some moral code.  That doesn’t mean I haven’t screwed up and done bad things, I’ve hurt plenty of people over the years and done things I’m ashamed of.  But I felt like I already knew it was for good when we got engaged.  To me, when it happened, THAT felt the same as marriage.

The good part, is some maturity and perspective.  20 years ago, I would’ve expected things to change instantly.  Probably some ultimatums would’ve been issued, or there would be epic fights and disappointments.  But now I know change takes time, and we have to address the problems and each have time to work through our parts of them.

Happy Ending

A couple of months ago I posted this.

I’ve gotten pretty good at making candied bacon and it really makes me happy.  And of course I want to be obnoxious and share/rub my happiness in everyone’s face.  So I was making some a couple of weeks ago and took some photos of the process and posted them on Instagram without a lot of explanation.  I’m actually “friends” on social media with someone from that school, all that time ago.  She posted a comment on one of the pics about being curious to see what I was making and what the final result would look like.  So I sent her a video that someone else made that roughly matched my process on FB messenger and she said something about loving bacon and it making everything better.

I sent back a smart-alecky comment about how even thought it’d been decades since we’d hung out, that I knew I always liked her and she replied, confessing to having had a huge crush on me back in the day when we went to school together.  That rocked me back for multiple reasons.

It’s funny.  For the most part I like the way I am now, and the coping mechanisms I’ve developed over the years.  They’ve gotten me through some really tough times in good humor.  Over the last couple of years, I’ve made changes to things, took the time to reflect and see what was still helpful, and what wasn’t, but that didn’t mean that I’d hated what I became at any point.  I just used painful situations to stimulate growth.

But there are some times in my past, particularly my childhood, that had become 2-dimensional in my memories.  I use them as stories to illustrate a point or as a punchline in a joke and have become numb to the true feelings in the moment, or blind to the context of the entire situation.

That school was the first time we’d moved that impacted me like that.  The moves before then were before I was in school, before I could be the “new-kid”.  The family was the nucleus of my social circle, so moving wasn’t impactful before then.  That move, that school was the first time I was bullied and mocked.  It was were I started developing those coping mechanisms, where I started retreating into myself (interesting question – they say that introvert/extrovert isn’t a binary condition, it’s a scale and everyone possesses some level of both, it’s just a question of where they land on the scale.  Is it nature or nurture?  My experiences would say it’s a little of both).  So I tell stories of that to explain why I’m me to people, focusing on some of those bad things that had happened.  But I’d forgotten that I’d made some good friends there, had some good times, learned things I loved that have become a part of me over time.

She was a really cute, shy girl back then.  I’d remembered her over the years, but I’d forgotten having a crush on her too, and forgotten the times we’d played together and had fun together back then.  I really appreciate her telling me that, and making me pause and remember the good times.

Trials

Several years ago I went through a break-up that for me, was fairly traumatic.  A couple years ago I cut all ties, the tough part is that not all my friends or family did.  I try to ignore it, but that hurts me sometimes.  I’d like a little more…  loyalty than that, but I’ve tried to be understanding.  But because of those connections, I still hear, see more than I’d like.

There’ve been some issues with J lately.  Well, since the beginning, really.  Things are really wonderful in most ways, but these couple of issues that won’t go away keep popping up and keep the relationship feeling bi-polar.  One extreme to the other, with no in between.  The “issues” are frustrating to me, because they’re in her control, but she has a mental block, a resistance and won’t deal with them.  Things are so great in most ways, that I could try to ignore the problems.  Years ago, and not too many years ago at that, I probably would’ve.  I would’ve been a hopeless romantic and optimist and would’ve just assumed that everything would “work out”.

The problems really don’t seem to have a possible resolution if she’s not willing to work on things that happened in  her childhood and change how they’re affecting her now and our relationship.  But I’m more mature now, and I realize that it’s not as simple as flipping a switch.  Growth and healing takes some time.

We had a real roller-coaster weekend.  Almost wonderful all the time, but conversations about the issues with no resolution kept popping up.  Last night, getting ready for another Monday, I was just doing chores around the house and for some reason dipped into a funk.  I really don’t know why it happened, but it did and I carried it around until I fell asleep.  When I woke up this morning, it was still there, a little bit.

I tried to joke myself out of it, and mostly got busy enough with work to forget it was there.  I got a weekly report on my blogs and saw that my ex had visited my sites.  Again.  A lot.  As usual.  She ended it, but she won’t stop stalking me, even though I’ve asked her to, told her it wasn’t fair.

For some reason, I have struggled, struggled with not cyber-stalking her today.  And I’m not sure why.  A part of me will always want what we had, but that’s different than wanting to get back together with her.  So I don’t know if I was trying to punish myself?  Was I feeling bad and just wanted to feel worse?  Did I feel like I needed to punish myself for being so negative about J and I?  Or something else?

I’ve resisted the urge.  I’m hoping I’ll wake up tomorrow and find it has passed.