For years I’ve had problems understanding why people with depression or other mental issues would refuse to take meds, knowing it could help them. If you knew all you had to do was pop a pill and you’d be healthier, why wouldn’t you? Logically I understood not wanting to have your feelings flattened out too much. I understood not wanting to not feel like yourself. But seeing how bad some people could get, why would they resist help so much? Wasn’t that worth some side-effects?
I started taking Adderall a couple of months ago. The effects were instantly noticeable. Work-life got much easier. Stress ratcheted down a lot. I was focused and more evenly productive. I’m always a good worker, but without Adderall it is just a lot more stressful to be that way, a fight between the ADD like symptoms and a struggle to focus vs. things just being easy and the work day over before I realize it.
So. Guess who I am now? The guy who struggles every morning to take the pill that’ll make things easier and better. It’s a frequent internal battle, and it’s not even that big of a deal. I mean, it helps, but it’s not like the lows of depression.
I’ve been aware of it for a couple of weeks now, but haven’t thought about it a ton yet. I was talking to Dad today about something, and the topic of depression and suicide came up. The discussion wandered to people who don’t take meds and I told him about the Adderall. Then he laughed and admitted that he doesn’t take his aspirin everyday. All the other meds, but not that, even though if he doesn’t, he knows he’ll regret it in the afternoon.
I was just making it up on the fly, but I was wondering if it’s because the Adderall is a choice. I mean, it’s always a choice whether or not to take the pills. But some choices are a little more “choice-y” than others. When the doctor says “take these pills or you’ll die” you take the pills. But when you can not take the pill or take the pill and it’s just a matter of… having a rougher day vs. having a better day? Is whether or not to take the pill a choice I’m luxuriating in? Something I can control vs. the other things going on with my body that I can’t?